Sunday marked fifteen weeks and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that.
How am I already in the second trimester?
How am I already only a week away from genetic testing and a month away from our next ultrasound?
How am I already starting to show and aching for more maternity clothing?
Also, how am I able to eat so much?! I don’t remember the last time I felt too full.
It still seems like just yesterday that Nathan and I were talking in the morning about how we’d keep trying because I was certain we were out that month. And how when 2016 rolled around, we’d seek the help of our doctor. And then, how later that night, I was positive my eyes were deceiving me when those two little lines showed up.
Every day, I still can’t believe what I’m doing. I can’t run a mile without feeling like I’m dying, but I can grow a baby inside of me? Human bodies work in mysterious ways.
I’ve forgotten what it was like to not be pregnant. But I’ve also forgotten what it’s like to feel pregnant. I feel like I’m in some sort of weird limbo. There’s no nausea and my anxiety over a miscarriage keeps cautiously dissipating. I just feel a little bit more round, a little bit more clumsy, and a whole lot more tired thanks to the insomnia.
Everyone I talk to asks me how I’m feeling every time. It’s sweet and comforting, but at the same time – I feel like they’re all waiting for the “I told you so” moment. The one where they get to tell me they knew I’d be throwing up and that the aches and pains were really as bad as they sad they’d be.
I’m sure my day will come, but it’s not here yet. (P.S I’m okay with that. I’ve been an odd one my entire life – why should pregnancy be any different?) And if it never comes, I’m even more okay with that.
But while I’m celebrating the fact that this pregnancy is fairly easy on me, I’m also embracing the fact that instead of mood swings – I’m just more sentimental. And if anything, more at ease. Pregnancy has brought a lot of unexpected tears (do you know how many commercials I cry during for no reason?!) and a sense of calm. Oh and the first time I bought baby clothes? I may not have cried, but in my head, I cried a thousand tears. Mostly of joy, but a lot of tears were filled with fear over another loss.
After our miscarriage, I was worried that my body would be incapable of handling a pregnancy at all. And while I know there are still plenty of days left for that to be even partially true, I had to come to an understanding. A sort of trust in myself that I couldn’t live without. I needed to believe that I could do this. I needed to feel assured that I was strong enough and my body able enough to do this. I knew without that, this pregnancy would be the worst experience of my life. And that idea was absolutely gut-wrenching to me.
This is something I’ve wanted since I was young. I hemmed and hawed about having kids because I struggled with the lack of flexibility for awhile, but deep down – I knew. And for that turn into something so awful was terrifying to me. So I knew I had to make it right.
Believing I could do this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Especially because it didn’t matter how much Nathan told me I could. It didn’t matter that the statistics were on my side. It didn’t matter that the doctor didn’t think I’d have any issues. All that mattered was that I was unsure of myself and was the only one that could change that.
So now, here I am at fifteen weeks and I’m a little awestruck. Blown away by how time flies and nervously counting down the days until my due date in July. It sounds so far away, but feels like it might as well be next week.