Because I hate the idea of coming off like I’m bragging or trying to paint this picture-perfect life, I feel the need to put a disclaimer here saying that’s definitely not what this post is. It’s also not me being ungrateful for the things I have going on. It’s just me talking about what’s going on and feeling a little lost. And this is already silly that I’m preemptively writing all of this so let’s move on with this nonsense.
First Truth: I have not been able to keep up with this blog/social media like I would like to.
Another Truth: I have not been able to even keep up with my life like I would like to.
And one more truth because I like odd numbers: Sometimes I feel really fortunate because of all of the things that prevent me from keeping up. And other times, I feel really frustrated that I want to do so much more and just can’t.
Life has truly been absolutely amazing lately. To the point that I feel so guilty even finding a potential downside in it all (which is maybe why I felt the need to write that little disclaimer.) We went to Mexico, we bought a house, we’ve talked about having kids (soonish), and life in general has just been good.
And then our business has pretty much blown our minds week after week the past month. First, we were featured on Refinery29, then we were featured in this past week’s issue of Woman’s World, and by the end of the month we have another feature in a HUGE magazine (if you get the tablet versions of any cooking magazines, you may already have access to it!) Crazy, right?! Pretty much unbelievably (literally!) crazy for me.
All of this is what fills my mind when I’m falling asleep and when I wake up, reminding me just how good life can be. And I am so grateful that I get to experience it all.
But everything is so BIG.
And so many big things that need my attention all at once leave me frazzled.
Because if I’m not packing, I’m renovating our new house. If I’m not doing either one of those things, I’m fulfilling orders. If I’m not fulfilling orders, I’m working on our website or on our wholesale accounts. If I’m not working on that stuff, I’m working on new product ideas that I’m worried may never come to reality because of everything that is going on. And if I’ve somehow managed to find time that I’m not focusing on our business or working on relocating, I am too tired to even process anything other than TV or sleep.
As I look at what my life looks like, I feel so conflicted. It looks tiresome and overbooked yet exciting and almost intoxicating. I thrive on new things and an evolving life, and it’s exactly what I have right now. It’s just evolving much quicker than I can keep up with. Stretching me in ways that I honestly never thought possible, or maybe never really fathomed what it would feel like if they were possible.
I never thought about how it would really feel to be a house owner. How proud I would be over what we do with it and how hard I would want to work on it to make it ours. How I would want to devote every waking moment to it instead of working or wasting time in front of the television. Or how it would consume my thoughts, and even our life, when I knew I had other more important things to do.
And I definitely never thought through how it would feel to be in not one, but two magazines or even just grow beyond the Etsy borders. I downplayed our business enough (shame on me) in my head that I never saw it as a possibility. Even with getting in Urban Outfitters, it didn’t click. Our business was just a small business to me. Even as we continued to grow and were offered incredible opportunities, I just did not see it. And to some extent, I still don’t. I believe in our business. I believe we work hard and do amazing things, but I was born humble and I will die that way – I know that for a fact. So for me to wrap my head around what our business is doing, what we can accomplish and the things we have lined up for us, it feels like I’m trying to complete a task that I’m not wired to complete. Like I’m just missing the connection on how it’s supposed to feel. Because no matter how many times I’ve heard “congratulations!” or “I’m so proud of what you’ve done!” . . . I still don’t feel like I can say thank you with my head held high, owning up to the success we’ve had. It just always feels sheepish and forced.
So I guess I’m just processing a ton of new things that kind of feel like foreign languages to me all at once and it’s just a tad bit overwhelming.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?