I’ve had this post on my mind for months now, hemming and hawing about how to write it. How I felt about it. How to make sense of it. And when I ran out of inspiration last night because I’ve become horrible at writing my posts any sooner, I realized it was time to take the plunge even when I didn’t have the answers. And before anyone assumes it – nope, not pregnant.
Even when I was younger, I loved little kids. I babysat when I was old enough and was always the one to happily sit at the kids table even when I was old enough to hang out with the adults. No matter how bratty they’d become as they aged and no matter how much I grew up, I always loved kids. So for me, it was never a question of if I would have kids – it was more so who I’d have them with and when the “perfect” time would be.
Now I have the who and I know that there is no perfect time. I know there is no magical age that my life will perfectly align, financially or any other way, where a child wouldn’t drastically change our lifestyle. I get that. But I still struggle. Nathan and I have so many goals and dreams with the business and even within our relationship that sometimes, I have a hard (read: impossible) time imagining tiny humans fitting into that mix.
I want them. I want more than one. I want a big family that surrounds my life in blissful chaos. And I want to homeschool them so I can show them things I only wished I could learn when I was that age. I’m ridiculously excited about it even. But just having them means my time becomes more their time. Then homeschooling means even more of that. And my time is already so limited. I rarely make time to read a book, take a shower on a regular basis or get a much-needed haircut.
So where on Earth would that time come from?
I know it’s all about compromise and balance and priorities. And I know if/when that time comes, life will get harder before it gets better and it will still all be worth it. But right now I feel so lost. I feel like our goals are lofty ones. Ones that don’t always fit in with the idea of having kids. Almost like they’re goals that are meant for people that plan to not have children. And maybe all that means is that I’m not ready yet. If so, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with not rushing.
But what if it’s not a phase that will eventually pass?
What if I can’t figure out a way to alter my goals enough to let a child, or children, be a part of that big picture? What if I can’t compromise my dreams and wants enough to make room for that big, beautiful dream of having my own tiny humans? What if I’m never ready to give up on my independence long enough to make that dream a reality?
Sometimes, I’m so scared of losing everything we have now that I wonder if we don’t need kids. That maybe our lives could be enough without them. And yet, there are so many other times that I just imagine throwing everything away to just make sure we have them. That I let nothing stand in the way of that dream.
And I hate sitting on the fence, swaying whatever way the wind blows. I cannot stand it. Yet this one thing – this one MASSIVE thing – keeps me up at night, wondering if I have to make a decision between my biggest dreams in life or if I can find a way to fit everything in.
So I’m asking for advice from anyone willing to give it.
From those who have decided to have kids and follow other dreams later, to those who decided to wait on kids and follow their other dreams first, to those who decided kids weren’t ever going to be in their future. And especially those that decided that kids and their other dreams didn’t have to be mutually exclusive. Basically if you made a decision about having (or not having) children, I’d greatly appreciate your thoughts on how you came to such a big decision because I hate the indecisiveness that’s weighing on me right now. And if you’d rather not share in the comments on such a personal matter – I totally get it. If you’re willing to share via email, I would absolutely love to hear from you. Just send me an email!