Somewhere along the way, we lose our boldness – if even only temporarily. Our need for the focus to be on us and our true abilities or beliefs. The “look at me – I’m kind of only not really doing a cartwheel but I’m awesome anyway!” belief. We learn about perfectionism and judgement and that other people may look down upon our actions. And then we start trying to fit in instead of standing proud.
For me, it began in high school. I was more self-conscious and suddenly doubted my attempts at anything if it didn’t seem flawless. My interests changed to be a bit more mainstream. My clothes changed so I didn’t stand out as much. My extracurricular activities ceased to exist because they were too “nerdy.” I did everything I could to fit in and still felt left out.
I can look back now with hindsight being 20/20 and knowingly tell my teenage self “that was a sign, stupid.” I didn’t see it then. But I sure as hell do now.
Even so, I struggle. I struggle to embrace 100% of me all the time. I struggle to not try to fit right into our new town – am I too much like a city-girl to enjoy the country aspect? Or into the blogosphere – are my posts engaging enough to justify this blog? Or into the business world – am I smart enough to run this type of business without a degree? And it makes me wonder –
Is this meant to be a constant struggle?
Is this a part of our growth as a human? Or is this temporary, fleeting and anything but permanent? Have I just not found my way out to the other side yet? I hope that I just need to claw my way out. I hope that it’s temporary. But if not – I’m still all in.
Because I want to be as accepting of myself as I am of others.
And because I want to roll out of bed and when my feet hit the floor, know that no matter what happens that day – I’m good enough.
And because I want to stand out and stand tall with every breath I take.
I’m just not sure how to get there yet.